he always asks if i'm mad at him
There are things that you should do and there are things you shouldn't do. When H and I were dating, his roommates had to correct him because H would say that I had said something , and they knew I had not said that because THEY had witnessed. Then he usually just walks out and doesn't speak to me except for cordial "hi" and "bye" and that can go on for days. Actually.I do know the reason and it really is tied to my ADHD. even if you aren't ms. bubbly. Be well. He kept telling me, Ya keep telling yourself that so you can justify how you're acting. But as you said and have felt it seems I'm the only one changing yet all you hear is that he's changed and I still need to change and it's all my fault. I have often told my boyfriend that it would be better if we emailed each other when we are arguing.. PS A helpful hint take us for a run, if I do not exercise everything goes to hell in a hand basket. LOL, Submitted by KatieMack on Wed, 02/12/2014 - 15:19, Submitted by jade21 on Thu, 02/13/2014 - 11:44. I willlove you to the moon and back.BUT I WILL NOT live with this(unaddressed) one more day. Do you hear that? It doesn't matter and it's not important to me.". We love the person but do not like the behavior. These things don't matter to you and you don't care in reference to what I am saying. I'm new here but I've been happy to find the benefits of not engaging him on this. It should be fun.that's all I'm saying:), Submitted by kellyj on Tue, 07/19/2016 - 10:07, With Someone Who Will Never Admit They Are Wrong. I find that when the climate stays calm our ability to communicate quadruples. I have no business in his treatment he says. He never apologizes for the rage and the meanness. That is almost more painful to realize than the reality of the relationship I want with himbut seemingly can never have. We have a word, when I am talking in circles that he says and it makes me laugh. Submitted by lauren07 on Wed, 06/24/2015 - 14:37. Just accept it's a "quirk" or annoying habit and reassure her that you aren't mad when she asks and tell her that you will very clearly tell her when you are mad (and make sure you follow through on that). I said that this was an example of the defensive mindset that I was asking him to consider. But I would let him know what he can do to make you happy, as that seems to be a big motivating factor in his behavior. ", I said."well..if you don't believe me when I tell you that many of these things that I do are not directly in any way to you.but you respond to me as if I did these things with some kind of intention behind it? Twice this week I've been accused of lying. This of course makes the "blame game" even more challenging! googletag.pubads().enableSingleRequest(); These words can sometimes have different meanings. If this a manifestation of RSD (rejection-sensitve-dysphoria)? Wonderful, witty, forthright, always helpful to me and providing a supportive perspective that I desperately need. They tend not to be very demonstrative eitherwith affection or being "touched or hugged a lot" since they need lots of space around them to feel comfortable in public especially.and "close quarters" can make them "claustrophobic" in a sense? I will put it on the shelf! I'll show you in a momentby including what happened in that event at the same time with my wife tonight? or fate? Perhaps he believes it does not, in any way, affect his relationships. It was an AhAmoment for me and with my encouragement, he ageed to be tested. I really don't understand all the ins and outs of this disorder but Im trying to learn. I hope that since your fiance is taking meds that he accepts that he has this condition and will be willing to continue to find ways to deal with it, especially if it means you will cut your losses and run (which is my suggestion). This is something that I have had experience with and it scares me for you. $('.submenu').hide(); I can't know. Everything I do or say is wrong, he blames me for things that happen when I'm not even around, it is crazy.. It doesn't bother or I don't take exception. I am sick of H later claiming that he said something that he never did. But everything else I could relate to, in addition to the depression and anxiety. But as you just discovered..IT IS NOT EASY!!! Then it devolves into a semantic argument over what I meant, how I should know what I am implying, how I need to take care with my this, that, or the other. I can now, pause, rewind, and show him what the person really saideven if I have to rewind a couple of times. The harder you pushthe harder he pushes back. I am coming full circle back to the FACT that.if the spouse with the issue cannot/willnotACCEPT they have this and it can GREATLY affect the quality of their MARRIAGEthen I need to prepare to mourn the death of our union and move on. And with me.I was actually in.but out anyway!!! What do you do when she complains that I don't know how to read her, but she won't out and out say what she wants most of the time, I have to drag it out of her, she wants to play coy (which when things were good, wasn't a big deal, but now that they aren't is infuriatingly frustrating and comes across as passive aggressive), etcWhat do you do when you know where you need to go next (counseling together) but you've having to drag her (emotionally) kicking and screaming against her will? Or you drive over an hour away to deliver flowers, cards, etc to her work place, multiple times, and thanks are given, even an occasional comment that suggest lovemaking may result, but again, never materializes? We both walked away feeling heard and understood. It's hard to know from your description without seeing this myself butwhat occurred to me about a somewhat similar look as you described in connection to your wife's behaviors and your comments: is "this what a marriage should be like?" But that's only from an understanding you have that I have that is different which compared to everything else I've said her before that is correct in this debate or thoughts that go counter to what I believe now. Submitted by Justbreathe on Wed, 05/14/2014 - 12:25. Soto answer your question (why I responded).I don't know if I can ever be consistent at everything all of the time? What can we do to handle things better in the future"This is our relationship exactly. The problem here is.you are just guiltyperiod!!! BOTHof us. Several minutes after I had asked my husband to ski" /> It doesn't feel at all like an adult level interaction at that point, but I really can't stand being shouted at if I've said nothing at all, nor intended ill will. Submitted by jennalemon on Wed, 12/11/2013 - 07:57. "Well, I had hoped you'd be able to help him become better organized, but I can see you're no better.". Thanks for sharing your experiences, You wrote "living my life around fighting for the right to experience my emotions". Both times I was able to show that I was tellingthe truth, but that doesn't stop him.he'll accuse me again soon enough. It still upsets me to this day he did not pay, and worse still, used it against ME many times in arguments, saying it was a red flag for HIM that night! Zero contact on his part. UGH! By starting with admitting your part first and not blaming the other person for the reason why you have yours (taking responsibility for just your part fully) and becoming accountable yourself. Communicating with him is always frustrating. You started dating a guy and then asked if he's on Facebook. Everytime I am forwarded a new post regarding this i die a little more each time. It's totally my fault for not cutting the ties, but I too wantedto have faith in a happy ending- or at least a noticeable improvement. As she said this.."what your saying doesn't mean anything to me and I don't care about why you do something. The anxiety will pass. If I am right in a debate, "I am a spoiled princess that always has to be right" "you can never be wrong can you". If I have a problem, it's my responsibility to come to him. Submitted by lauren07 on Wed, 06/24/2015 - 12:35, After being broken up for over 2 yrs, Imoved 20 hrs north of home to be near his family. What To Say When He Doesn't Follow Through - Deep Soulful Love But I can't stay whilst you're like this. Submitted by NewLifeNewHope on Tue, 07/19/2016 - 02:01. Telling him that you are happy with him when you are not is lying to him and does nothing to help him. with the intention they could then keep it for their night relaxation. A normal person would think, "hmmmm.other witnesses are telling me that I'm wrong and that my girlfriend didn't say those things, so maybe I shouldn't jump to conclusions." Those are the easy moments for me to get past. Straight up. That might make him separate the punishment he is given for his actions smd the feelings you have for him. It was a very good experience in that most of the things I had always dreamed of doing if I had that chance.were not the ones that really interested me once I really explored my options. I realized not long ago.what was happening when my wife and I get into sometimes because of these "accusations" that get thrown into a conversation where this is totally uncalled for and I mean.nothing to do with lying, ADHD, forgetting to do a chore..nothing of the sort? Sign up and Get Listed. About an hour later, he texted claiming that I had said that I had slept in the car. I hit my limit last week when I was the recipient of profanity-laced screaming while he was sitting in his office at work, at the business he owns. I wish I had more answers for you. At some point in time, X occurs.2. If I could give you the key to your husbands ADHD I would. I have to speak out for accuracy's sake. I want to know when I'm screwing up. Staying there as means to avoid only keeps you repressed. There's nothing else I can say. But I don't tell it to him that way. I went through precisely one cycle of this before"oh, ok, but he's coming back when he's ready/able" happened. He had four cell phones, five computers, i dont know why. I DIDN'T HAVE TO ARGUE ABOUT A THING. I'm glad I found this forum, I don't feel so alone knowing that we are all in this crazy boat together! He's stopped setting himself reminders, and has forgotten lots of littlethings lately. ". If I confronted them and they said that this was a mistake and they should have asked me but I wasn't there to ask and they decided that I most likely wouldn't mind since I let them borrow that thing before.". The drowning metaphor was very well expressed. New Season Prophetic Prayers and Declarations [NSPPD] || 6th - Facebook Sounds more like narcissism than ADD/ADHD. It's impossible to just discuss something as simple as "hey, this made me feel hurt. But it just felt weird, like his words suddenly didn't belong anymore. The other day my wife looked very sad and i asked what was wrong and she said nothing but i knew something was wrong. And I don't hate him. Submitted by circa66 on Sat, 09/10/2016 - 00:14. At all. So after a few minutes (after she countermanded and refused what she was seeing? It took me almost a year before I realized what was happening; I had initially believed that I was somehow to blame for causing his behaviour or going crazy. WTH? He says it is his private matter. Were we both wrong in this case? I think this is the story of our lives. This is exactly what I am seeing and experiencing from her. "It took me 30 years to come to the awakening point that I was different from other people in how I processed things and expressed my emotionality - that is to say, didn't express it, at all, because I was afraid that it would be rejected. When he does finally wake, he will be sweetness and light, cuddly, paying compliments, etc., until he realizes that I am getting out of bed because I either absolutely have to get ready for work, the dogs are fussy, whatever the case may be. The minute you make a decision for someone else because you think you know better..you are disrespecting them and that is something that comes through in action, word and deed..and is not very hard to figure out when your choices are slowly being taken away from you. I'm a nice person. He will frequently suggest things thatare completely incongruous with who I am, or make plans for me to do something I really would not want to do - as though he doesn't know me at all (we've been together for over 10 years). Says he doesn't want to hurt more than he has. It seems to me that I am being held accountable for both sides of the emotional coin here. After that triggersit goes down hill from there and we are back to the accusations and inability to communicate. Submitted by kellyj on Mon, 03/30/2015 - 10:59. All I can say is..my friend hit a home run on that one!! Submitted by NLKohlenberger on Sun, 07/06/2014 - 17:50. And, he''s not willing to change or admit flaw. I've come far enough with my ADHD to know where I am and know what I'm not doing too. I thought before that maybe my husband was a compulsive liar or that maybe he just loved 'drama' but after questioning some of his false perceptions today (carefully so I didn't upset him), I found that he really believed the things he was saying (accusing me of feeling ways and having skewed memories of conversations). She was essentially telling me to leave my husband while I was trying to think of things to make our marriage better. That would be amazing. OIY! Do you. I don't know how long you have been in your situation, but mine has gone on for over 30 years. Stress affects it hugely. It happened again later. Acceptance of this requires a much broader perspective than most people are accustomed to holding. I have tried the "not arguing" or not being angry back, but my husband does not let that happen. He even carries it to work in his briefcase every day since he bought it. Expressing too much and needing too much. I can't and won't go back to living my life around fighting for the right to experience my emotions and have them validated by my partner. It for sure is not easy for either spouse if one (or both) have ADD, but to tell lies like that? So.if your need is to get someone to admit their wrong. Or sets material goals as a potential goal or hurdle for there to be a possibility of a physical relationship, like find a better job or show some interest in advancing your career further while unfairly comparing me to ex-employees she was glad to be rid of. My expectation of effort from him is not extreme. ????????? I wondered this myself - how was he SO sensitive, so seemingly self-aware, so kind, seemingly empathetic for the first little while, then once i arrived there to be with him (all commincations prior were skypevideo calls and emails due to distance)how do they be ONE way and seemingly the nicest most loving guy you have ever met, then be someone else and show their other ADD side? I really have compassion for her here, because I've been where she is before. He actually added emotional abuse to the list of things he accuses me of, because I "pushed" him into losing his temper. Says it's my fault for complaining. If he rolls his eyes due to frustration at me I just shut down. Saying.it is the same problem that I run into with my wife and I keep reading repeatedly here in this forum. How do i let go of THAT guy? $('.submenu3').show(); So,everytime he does something that makes you mad or you do not approve of, say it matter of factly but with love and kindness. Welcome :) It's nice to know that there's one more person out there who REALLY understands. My own experience is that either your ADHD spouse can take meds that help him or they don't as well as other possible ways to help. It was devastating to hear that he thought so little of me, virtually from the beginning! 2 Year Old Hitting - Time Out the Answer. I am struggling with how to break through to getting him to see how hopelessly destructive it is to approach any potential reconciliation from his standpoint of "you're LUCKY I'm considering this, no other man in my position would!". I know that is sort of childish but at the same time he isnt meeting my needs either by acting like he doesnt even hear what I am saying. Mine is more subtle with thiswhat I usually get is the IMPLICATION of what I said. Submitted by dedelight4 on Mon, 05/30/2016 - 00:23. That includes gossiping and making judgmental statements about other people even if they were not around. (I understand it's possible to change, but I'm not hoping for that anymore) Maybe it's my ADHD -- I want answers. He angrilytells me, 'I was only trying to do something nice', when he has gone way overboard with something that has turned out not in my best interest. If I could say "You said X" and not have him insist that I made it up. We were referred to another specialist only to discover that he passed the test!!!! } else { However, after the date, his level of communication might plummet, and he may tell you he's busy. I would like to do that with you if you want. I cry myself to sleep almost every night because I can't get through to him and feel like "he doesn't get it" well, I'mtired of crying, tired of his lying and I finally realize he's either never going to get it OR he get's it and just doesn't care because he has to save himself from looking bad. I can't separate from her,she's legitimately all i have. There are so many intangible things going on when we argue and theyalways funnel down thesame channel (see above). Refusing what I do say, slotting in instead his own words, then telling me I said them. I love the phrase he uses--"are you happy at me." This could describe my ex and his attitude to mealmost to a T, but in our case I'M the one with the ADHD (or, more accurately, ADD Inattentive), which made our marriage impossible, because in addition to the ADDI have chronic health/pain issues, but he refused to believe that when my health was pretty much at its worst, I couldn't do more around the house. I want to feel secure in being vulnerable when explaining my frustration as well. exchange. I very bluntly told him and he didn't get defensive. Our children teach us a lot if we let them. On the contrary, the answers are usually devoid of self awareness and are often an affront to my self esteem. As I see it.but I could be wrong? Sounds more like panic than crazy. Therefore.I'm a liar. So now it's time he knows that. I laughed and felt such sorrow at the same time!!!!! I started it, and I escalated it. That I am actually responsible for not provoking it. My H constantly tries to make me admit to things I didn't do. Your springtime will hit, and you will see things in a new light. Who that is I haven't the foggiest????? More than once. As an ADHD H who seems to suffer the same thing- yes, what you hear can sometimes get "translated" by your brain into a different set of words. If he says "are you sure you're ok? If I ask them directly these question and they will not give me a direct and honest answer.they just confirmed my suspicions. Search your memory for anything that has been plaguing you with hatred and animosity towards someone in your past.and force yourself to retell your own story differently without blaming the person you are so angry with. I am going to clarify he is not talking about suicidal thoughts - he thought he would get a vile disease and die. I KNOW he feels like crapI CANNOT fix this marriage alone. I *just* made a new post about this in the Anger/Frustration forum - you are not alone! He got that from his dad. But after reading some of these blogs, I see his description in so many of them. Why should (or did) anything she had to say or the reasons why I did something make any difference? How am I lying to you when I'm telling you what I actually said? No awareness of my interpretation can penetrate his version. My suggestion would be to talk to her when things are calm, and let her know first of all how much you love her and how important she is to , and that you really want your relationship to be great. Nope. I could write a book about the horrific things he has done and said to me and our daughter. Submitted by kellyj on Tue, 07/19/2016 - 09:33. It's nothing short of nonsensical, but if he can get me to accept responsibility (blame), then he can continue to live his lifewithout feeling any need to work on himself- it's all left to me. I am beginning to feel that perhaps I am too damaged to have a healthy relationship. ", Who was that guy i fell for ? Telling you they've done "everything they can" to address your needs (when in reality they've done little or nothing)is also typical. The confusion for me was when she said, "I want to talk to you" . In fact, it worsensover time unless they get help. Not 'only when we are perfect'. If someone is so fixated on what they believe is true when it's not..well?????????? I applaud you for it because it's not the easiest way some times, but like you, I have found it to be the way that leading to peace and a more fulfilling marriageIt force's accountability for us bothGreat Post :), Submitted by Really123 on Sat, 06/14/2014 - 23:59. Store them at a friend's home or in a rental storage that your H doesn't know about. His anger isn't full blown army sargentyelling (no offense to any military out there), but just more loud, frustrated epic rants. For the person who was curious and wanted an update to my original story: I found out about three months after the post, that he had impregnated someone else. :-( I imagine you feel many of the same hurts and pains I do. Denial.yes, very mch so. I realize this is an older post but the topic is so close to what I posted about recently (about "implied meaning") in the Communication section. She has probably spent a lot of time blaming herself for things not working out. I used to cry and pity myself and try to "fix"our problems by working extra hard, butthings were not good with just me only trying to make things work. link to fallacies of logic: https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/, Submitted by kellyj on Tue, 07/19/2016 - 09:51. Get over it, and accept the inarguable conclusion. His brain is not fully developed to make the connection between a certain behavior and resulting time-out. This morning, he blew up at me because I was walking on eggshells after 2 nights of rage incidents. I am in the same boat. You are used to taking care of other people, that is clear. And as we all knowthings aren't not always what we want them to be. Isn't it insane? And he is hard to convince of anything other than what he invented inside his own head. And letting go of the "why" myself now."why" is not the reason this happens in light of my last statement which I will say.I believe is true. I think it's fair to make a distinction between losing your temper in the heat of an argument or ( blowing up ) and not having control of your anger in those very specific moments from having volatile chronic anger that seems to be un-precipitated or in connection to anything that would be considered a more commonly seen response to another persons anger ie: quarreling or fighting where both people are mad and angry at the same time. (Maybe he thought I meant that I would have to leave if I didn't change myself??? It is possible if you both want it and you both work at it. Once, when he was being very verbally abusive, he grabbed my cell phone out of my hands, and erased a recording that he thought would reflect poorly on him (becausehe was being verbally abusive). I just didn't recognise the person he described to me as treating him badly. I forgot.you live in the area and that may have sounded like a legitimate question which it was not? Id rather be happy at xmas not this wayIm to the point where I hate going with him anywherethere is always some kind of disagreement. I am a financial prisoner. Maybe later. This has ALWAYS puzzled me when my ADHD husband does this. But still refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing for physically intimidatingme. Yes it is. All rights reserved. And just said to him "why do you hate me so much? What?! Nowadays, my one son who is left at home does not speak to my husband at all. ( or "I" ) In a very affirmative and authoritative wayin DENIAL of the TRUTH!!! This is my first post. So if you are, try changing the phrase, and keep it simple. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and it has plagued my life ever since i stopped taking medication when i was 17 and would sell my ADHD medication to kids at school to make extra money at the time. That could turn into days.Or weeks !! They assume you know that but it is what they do?". He MUST take some responsibility for his actions and words. You have let him know how you feel. I am his big frustration it told me once. I can never offer any statement of something that makes me feel hurt or upset without being told that it SHOULDN'T make me feel that way, and I'm actually insulting him by being hurt by this in the first place, etc, etc. }else{ Take care of yourself first -- you're the only person who you know will be there for you your entire life. He is allowed to say that to me, but I am not deemed to have a valid reason to say this to him. So when trying to place this thing that you apparently always have to go along with? I called his T and told him what H had said. WHAT is that??? He tries to impress you by showing off, and he always tries to look and act his best when you are around, so it's obvious that he cares what you think about him. His perception is so off sometimes. I was just showing him his history of online porn and instead of him trying to make me feel better he made theMMMMMmmm sound and that really hurt my feelings Like I said in public he's the Golden Child but behind closed doors he's a monster that lives to crush me emotionally. Once my husband is angry, common sense, feelings, what has been done, if sick or hurt is completely irrelevant to him, black is white, up is down, but he is right and I am wrong and the only way it will all end is letting him get it out of his system, or try to walk away and let him cool down. ( delusional thoughts from projecting some future horror show of abandonment right into the big screen in your living room) and filling in the blanks to this imaginary movie that's playing in his head. My husband filed for divorce TWICE because I refused to admit to something that wasn't true. Feelings of total annihilations like being cutting adrift in outer space and cut off from themselves is what it's been described to be like. That's why they tell people not to make decisions when angry- they are literally incapable of making a good one. She screams at me that I'm making her feel worse on purpose when all im doing is either trying to help or having my own breakdown. When they put their weight on it, part of it goes under the water in order to help them float. What he thinks he conveyed is the only thing that matters. I loved his kisses before, and when he puts some meaning in them. It's not his fault I gave 4 more years..that's solely my responsibility. lol But we also have our T as a means to step in or referee. Just remember that. Lets all stay away from yesterday, and be happy today! It was involved in crazymaking all this time and completely missed it. But let me tell you something. But I don't just get mad and lose my temper. I hate ADD. The problem is, I never know when's a good time to talk to him. } I will not agree to that.
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he always asks if i'm mad at him
