Agony Aunt: Annoying Step Daughter
Dear Gael, I am having trouble with my step-daughter. She constantly snipes at me and criticises everything I do. For example, I have a bowl of boiled sweets,and she told me off for letting her son have some just because their out of date. She moans about my make up being old. She pours my Prosecco out of the bottle from the fridge when I’ve only had one glass. She throws away leftover food after she’s been for dinner. She is really upsetting me, and I dread her visits, even though I love to see the grandkids. I’m at my wits end, and don’t know how to handle her. Can the cards tell me what I should do? I do hope so, Love Patty.
Dear Patty,
I am really sorry to hear that you are struggling with your relationship with your step-daughter. This is always a difficult situation, since she effectively holds the key to your access to the grandchildren, so this is most certainly a relationship worth working on. To help you with your dilemma, I have asked the Paulina Tarot for advice. I drew three cards for you, using the Triple A spread:
1. Awareness: XV The Devil
2. Acceptance: Ace of Wands inverted
3. Action: XII The Hanged Man
At a glance this tells me that the issues you refer to are basically making you feel as though you’re living in hell. You feel that you should be forging a better relationship with your step-daughter, but are struggling to find any positive aspects to work with. Unfortunately, she is unlikely to change, so it is likely that you will have to take a step back and try to find a new perspective to work from.
The Devil
Looking at the cards in detail, The Devil often brings to light our sins. Interestingly enough, not everybody has the same perception of what sin is. Some defects feel so pleasurable that we like to keep hold of them, even though we have an inkling that it’s wrong to do so. The problem comes with identifying which of our behaviours are wrong. But the Devil has appeared to perhaps shift our awareness that the things we love holding on to aren’t necessarily the right things to hold onto.
As they say, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure… and this is obviously the case with your make up. While you have found the perfect make-up for you, and consider it to be a personal treasure, your step-daughter clearly feels differently. And she may have a point.
Consumer Affairs reports that Dermatologists believe old make up could cause blemishes and infections, such as conjunctivitis… it goes as far as to suggest that eye make up should be trashed after just three months. In my opinion, that’s quite ridiculous, but these are scientists.
The issue with the sweets is in a similar vein…although you might consider old toffees fair game, your stepdaughter is effectively a lioness protecting her cub. She needs to protect it at all costs, and this needs to be taken into consideration.
Even though I pay no attention to expiry dates on food, preferring rather to judge leftover food’s fitness for consumption by the quantity of mould which needs scraping off it, I do accept that expiry dates are given for a reason. For example, an article in The Independant suggests that Prosecco should be discarded after just three days in the fridge.
So, in this case The Devil is trying to bring our Awareness to the fact that what you consider to be acceptable behaviour could well be plain wrong in her eyes.
Ace of Wands
Moving on, The Ace of Wands is in a position of Acceptance. Aces represents seeds of a new beginning; and the Wands represent our soul’s journey. The fact that this card is inverted indicates that this relationship is a struggling one in need of some work to turn it on its head and make it a positive one- you are clearly not soul mates! This card brings with it worry and discontent. You are probably already aware of this, but it is time to Accept the situation as it is.
They say that “acceptance is the answer… when I am disturbed it is because I find some person… unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I ACCEPT that person… as being exactly the way they are meant to be”. If you find yourself disturbed when you think of this relationship, it is simply because you lack acceptance of who she is, and why she is the way she is. Now, think about it… when YOU get disturbed, who is suffering? Not her – YOU! When we are well, we can choose our feelings. If you choose to let go of the annoyance when you think abut her, trust me, you will start to feel much better.
The Hanged Man
The Hanged Man is greatly misunderstood. If we look at the image, he doesn’t seem to be greatly disturbed by his predicament… in fact our Hanged Man can reach up and release himself at any time he wants to. But he seems quite comfortable just hanging around looking at the World from a different perspective. And this is exactly what the cards are advising you to do in the position of Action. They are suggesting that you step away from the fray, and try to look at things from a different point of view.
We have already discussed some of the problems which are affecting you – and I am sure there are plenty more which you haven’t listed. But it is always worth taking a little time out and considering things from her point of view. As the Devil suggested, perhaps some of your attitudes are wrong in her eyes.
At the end of the day, you need to consider how important is it to stand by your principles? When she raises issues, rather than becoming distraught, it might be worth taking a different approach. Perhaps thanking her for her advice, and letting her know you’ll take it on board. Google is our friend, it doesn’t take long to find out if what she is saying is right. Even though we disagree with her point of view, for the sake of the grandchildren it might be worth adjusting our behaviour and letting go some of our habits which she considers to be wrong.
If you can’t bear to part with your make-up, then perhaps you could consider sterilising your applicators? If she doesn’t like you keeping opened Prosecco, then perhaps consider drinking the whole bottle? And I would certainly suggest hiding your boiled sweets away when she visits, and buying fresh sweets as treats for the grandchildren!
In Summary
It takes a big effort to admit when we are in the wrong. If our friends criticise us, it is not normally because they want to hurt us, but because they are concerned for our welfare in some way. Everybody loves to be listened to. Even though you are not seeking her advice, as long as she is choosing to give it, it might be worth just taking a moment to look at what she is saying from her perspective. If, for the sake of the grandchildren, you choose to make small adjustments at her suggestion, it will massage her ego. Then she might start to feel good about herself, and it might start to break down some of the barriers which are up between you.
I truly hope this reading enables you to take a step back and look at things from a different perspective. They say that Tarot tells us what we need to know, and once we know we can change our minds.
All the best,
Gael x
As a long term member of various 12 step fellowships, Gael has a broad experience of counseling people who have been struggling with issues such as alcoholism and addiction; as well as women who have suffered abuse at the hands of alcoholics and addicts. She also sponsors women through the steps in fellowships which handle co-dependent relationship issues. As a guest columnist she brings her experience of this recovery to her readings, helping people to work through their underlying issues in a manner which will enable them to move forwards with gratitude.
If you have a dilemma which you think Gael might be able to help you untangle, please send her an email: gaelerdhart@yahoo.com
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